Choose Your Mate Carefully—Biblical Wisdom for a Lasting Marriage

Gale and I have been married for 46 years.  We've been through some great times and we've struggled with a number of challenges from health to finances and many more I have forgotten about, to in the beginning how to actually get along with each other.  I wanted to write down my thoughts about what I've learned.

Marriage is one of the most significant decisions a person will ever make. It can be a beautiful reflection of God’s love and grace, or it can become a source of deep pain and regret. That’s why Scripture urges us to choose our mate wisely and to prepare for marriage with eyes wide open, not just hearts full of emotion.

1. Marriage Is Hard Work

Let’s begin with this truth: marriage is hard work. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either lying or hasn’t been married long. Even the most loving couples will face seasons of frustration, conflict, and disappointment. Why? Because marriage unites two imperfect people who both bring their own baggage, habits, and expectations into the relationship.

Jesus calls us to die to ourselves daily (Luke 9:23), and that’s especially true in marriage. The Apostle Paul writes in Philippians 2:3–4:

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

That kind of selfless love is the foundation of a thriving marriage. It doesn’t come naturally. It takes intentionality, sacrifice, humility, and God's grace.

2. Biblical Traits to Look For in a Spouse

For a Christian, when looking for a spouse, physical attraction and shared interests matter, but they are far from the most important things. The Bible gives us clear guidance on the kind of character we should seek:

• Faith in Christ:

  “Do not be unequally yoked with unbelievers.” — 2 Corinthians 6:14
  A strong marriage must be built on a shared faith. Otherwise, the most foundational aspects of life; belief, values, purpose will pull you in different directions.

• Godly Character:
  Proverbs 31 describes a wife of noble character as trustworthy, hardworking, wise, and God-fearing. Likewise, a godly husband should be humble, servant-hearted, and spiritually grounded (Ephesians 5:25–28).

• Self-Control and Patience:

  “A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.” — Proverbs 15:18
  Marrying someone who cannot control their temper, spending, or tongue will likely lead to strife down the road.

3. Don’t Ignore Wise Counsel

One of the most overlooked steps in choosing a mate is this: listen to the people who love you.

“The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” — Proverbs 12:15
“Plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” — Proverbs 15:22

Your close friends and family often see what you can’t see, especially when love clouds your judgment. If your parents, siblings, or church family raise concerns about your relationship, don’t get defensive: pay attention. They may be seeing red flags you’re blind to.

4. Red Flags and Deal-Breakers

Scripture gives us warnings for a reason. Proverbs 21:9 says:

“Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. or husband”
Or as we’d say today: It’s better to be single and at peace than married and miserable.

Here are some common marriage killers that should be discussed before the vows:

• Financial habits: Spending, saving, debt: money stress is one of the leading causes of divorce.  Talk about your feelings and goals on money and observe how your partner is currently spending their financial resources.  If it does not match with yours, that is a bad sign.  Work on it before getting married!

• Communication style: Do they listen? Do they argue respectfully? Do they apologize?  You will need to learn to communicate with each other.  It may be difficult, especially if you are coming from a family that kept things inside, but a healthy relationship is one where you two talk about issues without closing up or getting mad.  It will probably take lots of practice.  

• Family and boundaries: How involved will in-laws be? Are there unresolved family wounds?   Extended family can cause a lot of stress in a relationship.

• Addictions: Any addiction—substance, pornography, gambling can rot a marriage from the inside.  While it is possible to overcome these things, it is a difficult road with lots of pain.  Do not expect them to change just because you are getting married.

• Spiritual maturity: Are you growing together in Christ? Or is one dragging the other?  This will change over the years but supporting and encouraging each other to walk closer to God will help create a close bond with each other.

Don't gloss over these issues. They won’t magically fix themselves after the wedding. In fact, they usually get worse under the pressures of marriage.

5. Talk About the Hard Stuff Before Saying “I Do”

Too many couples spend more time planning a wedding than preparing for a marriage. Have the uncomfortable conversations before the altar. Ask:

• How do we handle conflict?

• How do we want to raise children?

• What are our expectations for intimacy and affection?

• How will we make decisions together?

• What does forgiveness look like for us?

Marriage requires more than love—it requires unity, shared purpose, and God’s guidance.

6. A Lasting Marriage Is Built on Christ

The happiest marriages I’ve seen weren’t perfect but they were Christ-centered. They were built by two people who understood that love is a covenant, not a contract. It’s a commitment that says, “I’m staying—through better or worse.”

Ecclesiastes 4:12 says:

“Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.”

That third strand is Christ. Without Him, even the strongest relationships will fray under pressure.

Final Thought

If you’re single, don’t rush the process. Choosing a mate is not something to take lightly. The wrong relationship can wreck your peace and life, but the right one centered on God, anchored in truth, and built with wisdom can be one of life’s greatest blessings.

So choose carefully. Pray constantly. Listen to wise counsel. And trust God to lead you toward the one who will walk beside you in faith, love, and commitment for a lifetime.

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” — Proverbs 18:22

Book: Here is a book that can help you explore your relationship further:  Things I wish I'd known before we got married by Gary Chapman.  (I should have written this book!)

Podcast:  The Naked Marriage Podcast - Yes it is Christian based.  Check it out.

Online Resources:  A Thriving Marriage by Focus on the Family.  Marriage and the family resources by North Point Community Church.

Mike